Weekends are hard, this weekend is especially hard. Jak was at work all day. Babykat was off touring a University and even though she was mobile, I still missed her. I felt lonely with out her. She’s my ray of sunshine. It felt weird without her kisses.
I was cranky all damn day.
Even Pritkin was gone on some yearly geek pilgrimage! I was cleaning up my chat logs I deleted all the badness. That of course lead to reading, and the urge to call and cry maybe, yell, ask why? He’s my friend now, and I needed to talk to someone.
Ume is usually gone on the weekend, I like to pretend he’s off on quests. Like this weekend, he’s looking for Madame de Pompadour’s hair combs! The Jade ones imported from China. My lovers not being around gave me time to pontificate.
I shouldn’t ever be allowed to do that.
I feel left out. I’m not a submissive, and I’m not a Dominant. I’m both. This makes me not fit in anywhere. I can’t hang with Doms, they can’t understand how I can “lower” myself. Ume is the only one who treats me as an equal when it’s applicable. He understandsI’m his and Babykat is mine. That’s why I love him, er well I’m starting to.
And well, the subs don’t have that sisterhood vibe with me. A few are quite uppity and are quite rude to me. They never see me as one of them,i’m NOT one of them. My seven years in BDSM I’ve had 4 meaningful relationships. Never as an “out” switch. Those partners knew me as one or the other. Two actively squelched the “side” they didn’t like. Like the way my mother used to tell me never to tell people I didn’t know where my dad was. It only reinforced I was broken.
My Ume and Babykat are the only ones besides Jak to not look at me and see beautiful pieces but, a pretty whole. I had an epiphany, once I suss it out in my Tantrum Report I’ll talk more about it.
More tomorrow.