I’m screwed up, but I’d never hurt Pritkin. He’s my friend and he’s been helping me through my issues. It is what it is. However when someone who likes sub-her (his ex) tells sub-her he was with Babykat. Pritkin thought it was me..
The same girl told me and I shrugged and said “Pritkin and Babykat said they just told stories”
I gave it no mind. sub-her however not so much.

If I wanted to hurt either ex, I would. I wouldn’t start rumors, I much prefer violence and the snapping of bones. It’s more comforting. Rumors are for pussies! You heard it here first.

Ah, Babykat.
She broke my heart, smashed it against the wall. For what? To sleep with anyone. That’s the rumor and I’m fine with that she always said she was a whore. More to my point, she’s not leaving me alone. She appears to show up where ever I’m at. Now, with the frequency it happens it can’t be an accident.

I don’t understand what she wants from me. I’m reasonably certain she’s out to self fulfill the “I’ll hate her” prophecy. It appears she won’t be happy until I do in fact hate her. Newsflash, I don’t make it a practice. I’m just not that way.

Not being able to talk to Ume I’m kinda lost on what to and now that Pritkin’s angry with me I really feel lost. Pritkin might be an ex and a bit of a bastard but, he’s my friend damnit.

Today, I had lunch with my fellow Sinister Sister. Well I ate she hugged me and vowed vengeance on Babykat. We also inducted a new member into our “gang” so the Sinister Sisters are now a sexy bad ass girl TRIO! Yup, we’re hotness incarnate. Watch out world. I occurs to me they need names. I’ll think of some and update my cast list.

I’ve been so lucky people have been loving on me. Simi and my mum have been so..nice. I really haven’t had female friends like ever. So, right now my Sinister Sisters ARE so important. Mum and Simi doubly so. I have my family-family.

Lately Ume has been so busy with work. Which is fine because I’ve been working my ass off on my print projects. I just miss him! His ex has been being so catty. Nothing I can’t deal with but it’s just a “high school” snot thing to do. I just ignore it.
Ume is worth waiting and cattiness. He’s worth an aching cunt and sore nipples too. I’m just missing talking to him. Miss sharing my stories and cuddles. I miss his voice, calling me Kitten. I hope to see him soon. My mouth aches to say his name.

I’ve launched a new site. I’m officially a Southern Charms girl. I hope Ume will give me some new set ideas. I’m doing an open call for requests. You lovely readers can suggest ideas too. I love new ideas and concepts, so challenge me. You know you want to.

Which apparently, I’m getting back into. I’ve no choice in the matter. After having not one but three impromptu performances thrust on me. Maybe it’s best to go in the direction I’m pushed?? It sure beats trying to swim upstream.

I’ve downed countless ume sake all bought by others. Properly lit of course. Upon consuming each I wonder if my Ume can feel my lips or my intoxication. I can certainly feel his fire kisses in my throat and my belly. When I’m really lonely and the club’s closing i’ll ask the bartender for a “Daddy kiss” none of them know what I mean one bartender actually kissed me!

I miss Ume and tonight’s Tantrum report will be probably be late but FULL of good news. I wrapping up some dealings and making plans, I might need to crawl into bed and orgasm myself to sleep before I can write Ume. He’ll understand i’m sure, he’s very understanding of his little tantrum.

Which bodes extremely well for me.

I’ve missed Babykat too. Sometimes it’s hard to make our schedules match up. Next week it should be better. I’m going to be mostly busy with writing which keeps me home. My sadist streak has been flaring up. I suspect a beating is in her future.

She’ll enjoy that, I’m sure.

Well, off to go make some major deals…

To make this entry make entry make any sense I have to explain sub-zen.
For me, when I’m owned as a submissive, I enter this sub-zen state. I’m in it even when I’m Dominating boys and girls. I’m in with Daddy and when he’s away. It’s my power. The illusive spark behind my eyes.

Sub-zen is this state of being where you do even the most mundane tasks well because your actions aren’t just yours any more. Your actions and how well you do things also reflect on your One. So, everything you do you do with pride and you do your best.

For me it brings a focused sense of happiness.This is not to say one can not get sad, it just throws your “zen” off. Which happened to me!

Babykat and I had our first big punishment worthy situation. See, Babykat had lost her sub-zen. It was like the head was there, the heart was there kinda and soul had gone out for sushi. She was hurting me. I was crying more and my tantrum reports to Ume were lackluster and often done late upon waking, after a serve crying jag. For that I apologize, Tantrums will be back to their usual daily meditations, Ume. The emails and blog commenting ARE very much appreciated.

What hit a major nerve was when she said “I decided to be a whore for a bit then work on my task.”

I’d never dream of saying that to Ume, he’d slap the flesh from my face. But, more importantly I know that’s not my place to make that choice with him. its his, and only his. Apparently Babykat forgot when we give ourselves our choices are not always our own.

A punishment essay was assignment. Which was completed today. We talked through it and we’re mended. She’s accepted correction and she’s taking steps to get back her sub-zen.

I’m the Happy Geisha again.
It’s nice to be back.

Tantalizing Ume week is back on!

After that, Jak and I still couldn’t get up and out.

Ume IMed from work. Even there, so far away. His energy crackled over my skin. I sat quietly talking with Ume about my overwhelming desire to have him. A small trinket to hold in my hands. We agreed, that he held in his hands. We want the same things. I melt. I’m telling myself he’s said we’re a couple why am I afraid to admit it to people?

Then it dawns on me. I’m afraid no sooner than I do that. He’ll have to leave me, he’ll set me free, to be fair he’ll say. Now that he’s pinky promised (a gesture I didn’t have to explain, bonus sexy appeal Mistah Ume.) I feel better.

Still, how to begin?

Anyway, Ume has to go, so I sigh and watch.

So, I ask Jak “What are we doing?” I say looking at the quickly darkening sky. He says nothing, I don’t even hear breathing. Fear sets in, what if he’s dead?

Then he stands up and I’m about ready to ask again. All of the sudden his lips are on mine. Jak never kisses. More aptly he never kisses like in romance novels. His hands are on my body and I’m trying to find his neck. His one sexual weakness.
It’s mine, target acquired, he’s moaning as I bite, lick, and kiss. His mouth sucks at my nipple, something he rarely does anymore. No longer fearful of the breast milk that once was produced. Moans and jerking unsure movements are all I’m capable of.

He grabs me to flip me on my belly.

“Babykat and Ume are watching.” He whispers in my ear hitting my pussy with his cock. I could see them there! Ume with a bemused smirk wearing a Brooks Brothers suit complete with a visible hard on. Babykat wearing just a tee shirt my dollar coin on her neck rubbing her pussy.

Then a miracle happens. Jak slips a finger into my pussy. Jak has finger fucked me maybe six times through out our five years. He’s always rough, you can tell he doesn’t know how. No girl ever explained how to I suppose. Two reasons why I don’t, I’m afraid if I stop and teach playtime will stop.

I’m a sick fuck the pain gets me off.

He’s finger fucking me while they watch is all I can think. Ume finally pulling out his cock, stroking it. He’s arranged this.I think. Did he? Did he tell Jak I was wet and needed sex?

Babykat’s fingering herself whimpering. I love watching her like this, denied cock so she just has to touch her own pussy, which I own, so she’s not cumming.

Jak’s fingers slide into my asshole. It hurts.Oh my god does it hurt. I’m trying to get away Jak’s holding me there. He forces me to orgasm. Painfully. Pain pushes me into it headlong, I’m yelling, I think. Jak’s up and off the bed before I’m done My now empty pussy is clenching and angry.

It ends with me ass up in the air, tears on my eyes. Rolling onto the mattress.

I was cranky all damn day.

Even Pritkin was gone on some yearly geek pilgrimage! I was cleaning up my chat logs I deleted all the badness. That of course lead to reading, and the urge to call and cry maybe, yell, ask why? He’s my friend now, and I needed to talk to someone.

Ume is usually gone on the weekend, I like to pretend he’s off on quests. Like this weekend, he’s looking for Madame de Pompadour’s hair combs! The Jade ones imported from China. My lovers not being around gave me time to pontificate.

I shouldn’t ever be allowed to do that.

I feel left out. I’m not a submissive, and I’m not a Dominant. I’m both. This makes me not fit in anywhere. I can’t hang with Doms, they can’t understand how I can “lower” myself. Ume is the only one who treats me as an equal when it’s applicable. He understandsI’m his and Babykat is mine. That’s why I love him, er well I’m starting to.
And well, the subs don’t have that sisterhood vibe with me. A few are quite uppity and are quite rude to me. They never see me as one of them,i’m NOT one of them. My seven years in BDSM I’ve had 4 meaningful relationships. Never as an “out” switch. Those partners knew me as one or the other. Two actively squelched the “side” they didn’t like. Like the way my mother used to tell me never to tell people I didn’t know where my dad was. It only reinforced I was broken.

My Ume and Babykat are the only ones besides Jak to not look at me and see beautiful pieces but, a pretty whole. I had an epiphany, once I suss it out in my Tantrum Report I’ll talk more about it.
More tomorrow.

No more bed hopping!

I’m considering myself happily committed. I’m no longer open to new lovers. Talking to a friend, I realized something. I’ve let myself become “anyone’s everything” I never meant to. It just kind of happened. I have many special friendships with the people on my cast list and I hope they understand and stay friends.
I am committed to two very lovely people now, no more playing, no more seeing where things go.Things will never go anywhere until I am smart enough to realize what is right in front is most important. I need to nurture these precious people because they have made me feel so good.

While one is new and I am in no way saying we’re together fully yet, I feel in order to really learn each other and get closer. I need to say :

Ume, I know you might not have been “looking” really and you might be busy with life. But I would like explore this. I am not expecting anything from you. I will take whatever you offer. I like that I matter to you as person. I just needed to say…One means One. I am here, and I’m not going anywhere. Let’s crank up the TARDIS and have a beer. Hold to me, and I’ll hold on tight. I’ll be your tink if you want.

Babykat, I’m no longer searching, I’ve found. Even if you and Ume only stay with me for a short time it’s worth it to grow with you than to not. You love me, you ACTUALLY love me. I’m keeping you as long as you’ll have me.
You ARE the girl of my dreams. I’ll always be your Kiaawa Monster.

I need to focus on these lovely humans right now.

Oh, and Pritkin I will always be here I do not “come back” I really do have something special with you. However, sub-her loves you right now (not saying I don’t love you, but you collared her) be with her. I’m sure no’ren is patient and understanding she’ll be at your side where she belongs always. I love no’ren and yes, I love you. Just don’t forget to talk to me!

I’ll begin by saying some cliches. “The heart wants what it wants” I want two things. An interesting life filled with many passionate moments and tales. Some lovers to share my life with. Pritkin is that to me. His energy feels like home to me. He feels like home.
Pritkin,My on again off again ex of 6 years, actually closer to 7 years in truth.Who just this last year told me He’s been married MOST of that time. I start talking again to him again online. He belongs to new girl, but wants me as well.

He does not wish to tell her about me. I have made peace with this.
He is mine.

Even if it takes me 6 more years I know we will find our place. I am sure. I just must be patient. I will be his pet. I will display his marks. I finally know this for sure. Pritkin has left and i was sad. Pritkin gets girls, I feel lesser.
I beg him to make me special some how different from them. I’ve learned what makes me different, how I love him.

I love Jak, but his love in a different quality. I love Babykat but, its miles different. My love is always different. Pritkin is my first love. Nothing changes that, nothing will erode that.

Truly.

I love Babykat the way I have always yearned to love a woman. It is both pure and filthy. She is my masochist. She is my best friend. Babykat, as my girlfriend wants what’s best for me. I want what’s best for me. Pritkin does too.

Now, I know.

More later as I discuss something with Pritkin. Keep your eyes peeled.

This is what I’ve been programed for. Its not him, it’s me and my fear. I adore people, and I think they end up leaving me because I expect to. Thanks mum! If she and her endless tirades hadn’t made me feel worthless growing up, the leaving me every few months didn’t help.

Somehow, I have faith in BB. Just, me. I get scared. I need reassurance. I need someone to talk to.

Kuro, new to this blog but not new to my life. He was my Master at one point. My submissive at another point. My friend through it all. He pushes ALL my bad girl buttons. He is delicious. He also needs to be added to the cast list.

The Brit, the British Dom I’ve been seeing. Very lovely man. I didn’t really seem as being sexual in the first place. Boy, was I wrong! He rings my little bells, tingly all over type stuff. Not only that the boy loves to cuddle.

Carys, keeps me sane. Carys is like my wife and she is the BEST wife. She also draws my words into pretty pictures. She’s also helping me launch two NEW projects. She and Babykat are making me a better version of my Domina self. All you boys blame them!

The Work

2010 brings more and interesting things for me and this site. More Geisha Speak podcast and new erotic hypnosis mp3s. Email me with suggestions please. Also new video clips. Including a chat show on you tube talking (mostly!) erotica books. Maybe some erotic hypnosis videos…if you’re all good. So, be good!!

Nepenthe #2 is being written and put together. So, more Lux Shimshi goodness to come. As well as not one but two comics…to be revealed later. That means be on the look out!

Til later…