You’ll be missing out.

I hope everyone is enjoying the new look of TDG.com and getting plenty of rest as we make our way to Spring! Sickness has made sure I’m well rested. Traveling always makes me ill anyway no matter how much Airborne I drink.
But, Until I get my hypoallergenic airship I’m stuck with land at JFK spend a week in bed. Since I’ve been quasi conscious the last two days, I’ve been planing!
First thing of note,my time is mostly booked now by private clients. After recording sessions this week I’ll be available on Niteflirt or Talksugar. If you see my call buttons lit up, please use them. No complaining I’m not on, just catch me when I am.

I’m tracking down all missing packages and mailing out new ones on April 1st. I’m also putting up new stock in my Etsy shop. Yay new product launch! (Thank you to everyone who has loved on the Tinker Trunk!)
Secondly, my freaky darlings, as soon as my voice is back to its usual aural silkiness. There will be new Hypno Sessions at DollMouth. I’m super excited as I’m building more like Escape To Wonderland it’s going to be LUSH. and ladies more mental vacations for you!

That’s that. Now, on to why the dirty geisha is your favorite. Kitten has caught herself a new toy. The schedules have been lining up and I’m feeling rather wicked.
Finally filing Ume under past and Simirae in the trash, I’m better than all of it. I want what’s perfect for me, not some lie. Ume might have been perfect, but maybe not filthy enough…
I want Filthy and Perfect.

Everyone reaches a point where they know they’re better than that. I reached mine eating sushi and drinking sake with some old friends I was having dinner meeting when an epiphany hit.
Who cares if some people don’t like me, enough love me, that and jealousy is the only real reason women dislike other women.

There.

That and we start to hate the things we can’t have. Paulo taught me that. We hate people because we want them, or because they have something we want.

Be it freedom, better sex, popularity, whatever.
Because we can’t just reach out and take what we want, or so we think.

I digress.

Paulo is a genius. He told me last week that if someone hates you they think about you non stop. I began to think about it and deemed it true. He says that’s why hatesex is so good. He fucks like I killed his mum.
I’ll miss him most.

There’s only one girl worth my time to miss,she knows who she is.
Til next time.

and a comment on this blog:
Jim
August 14th, 2010 at 8:30 am
Thanx 4 the book reccomendation. been reading yur stuff and it’s really good! can’t wait to hear the latest on the people in your life. wheres Ume? what happened with Pritkin? I hope evrything is cool wit u. your a hot, sexy chick.
I did just quit talking about him. In fact if you noticed I really ceased discussing anything personal. All I can do is hope this man will find his way home to me.
I didn’t want to cause him stress. So, I’ve been keeping quiet and working on my own stuff and dealing with my own family issues. I still very much love Ume. I find myself even in his absence very much loving him. But, we are apart nonetheless.
I am still lacie feels and I feel him like a ghost on my skin, like the air in my lungs. I could go on and on with the analogies, but it seems superfluous and just a little more than flashy.
Ume is my rain, and its been along dry summer. But, saying so constantly will not bring him back. I must wait, patiently and have faith in my Love. Doing less would make me like all those other girls I hate, so I keep my head up the best I can and try and weather it out.
Where ever he is, if he’s reading this.. i love you. i always will, even if i never see you.. Although, seeing you would be preferable.

I hate to admit it but, sometime after high school I decided this: You only live once, Iʻd rather regret the things I had done then the things I hadnʻt. So, my life is spent mostly doing things I want to do. Yes, my submissive clients may not choose me because I have some Iʻm submissive too. But, fuck them. The ones that do choose me get an authentic BDSM experience from a real girl.
People may not like me because Iʻm poly. But, at least I can love fully and totally. Point is, I like my life and Amanda Palmer put it into better words then I could.

The blowjob queen part also applies to me. I have become more selective in whoʻs genitals I want in my mouth.
Also, I too like sharing my gift with the world. Hence my forays into professional smut peddling!

Umeʻs been away. This does make me miss him. But, absence does make the heart grow fonder. It means when he comes home to me, Iʻll be extra happy. This time has made me realize just how much Umeʻs got me on track. Before I was this force like water and yeah, people noticed me Iʻd worn away some pebbles. Under Umeʻs careful guidance Iʻm now flowing freely and mountains have no chance.

This is one of the reasons Ume is so my punkrockloveman. “darlin your Daddy is a punk rock kid, he grew up reading and making zines using recycled clip art and photocopy machines.” When I told him about my new zine project. Pushing Pixel. I love that he didnʻt blink. It stunned me and made fall just a little more.

It made me think about letting him inside of me. In a way that no one has been, not even Jak. You see, I have an erotic hypnosis fetish and, I want to be hypnotized. I want him to truly fine tune me as it were. I want to let him have that kind of control.

I want to literally hand him the key to my complete enslavement. Because, you see Iʻd have to teach Ume how to hypnotize me. Iʻd teach him how to press my biggest, reddest, button. I keep holding back telling him this. Iʻm fairly certain he would.

Then Iʻd listen.
Iʻd be Umeʻs doll.

But, when I feel alone, my second stepdad’s words creep in and i start to feel the same fear he’d place in me. I start to feel fourteen again unsure of myself and wanting validation. I used to pray.

“Oh, wise and mighty Bast, make these things NOT true. Give me to will to go on and make them eat every unkind thing they’ve ever said.” and she did.

I printed out the nicest comments from my Blog’s guest book. I kept them by my bed. Until Stepdad2 found them and burned them as a “pack of lies”
I printed them out again, this time, i carried them in my bag in the secret back zipper pocket.

It feels good to have reminders. Today, I am better and stronger and mostly over it.

Ume has been a constant wellspring of support. I don’t doubt him, I take everything he says as truth. After all he really has no reason to lie to me. Really.
He loves my nerdity and my geekgasm and girly wood moments as much as he loves my screaming in orgasm moments. As I’ve said with him I’m a pretty whole.

I accept that. Even if that little stepdad2 voice kicks in.

A submissive, (me or you) can not truly be a good submissive unless they give themselves totally. This means two things (to me) examining why you want to be this person submissive in the first place. And accepting who you are, and be willing to ask your Master’s help and support in self improvement. Remember you have to want to improve for you, not your Owner.

So. If you’re thinking of paring up you should really be able to answer these questions. Feel free to use mine as guidepost not a guideline!

1. Why do I want to belong to Ume?
Simply put, He’s Ume. My Ume now that I’ve met him, i can’t imagine my life without him. I want to be his because he is kind and generous. He’s VERY Patient with me and always speaks in a loving tone. Even if i’ve made him mad or sad. I want to give him my rarest love, the thing which is growing inside my heart. I want to try to my very best not from a spiteful place anymore but, to make him proud of me. He sees me as Lola first. He respects me as a Dominant and sees me as a partner, who happens to be submissive to him.
I know he’ll nurture me. He won’t deprive me of anything, he likes me as I am. I like him as him. Plus he encourages the geekgasms in me.

I don’t have to hide anything, ever. That is why I wish to belong to Ume.

2. Things I accept about me.
I am a great and rare beast. I have a loving heart and a wicked mind. I’m a big breasted geek girl capable of some pretty big Codex (The Guild) moments, but I want help in being better at managing them. They are usually groundless fears because I’m getting to a place where I’m giving my heart, that’s scary. (I bet deep down, Ume’s scared just a bit.)
I have acknowledged it’s past trauma but its PAST. I am letting it go. Ume has done Nothing but support my tantrum-y little ass. I love him for that.

I was cranky all damn day.

Even Pritkin was gone on some yearly geek pilgrimage! I was cleaning up my chat logs I deleted all the badness. That of course lead to reading, and the urge to call and cry maybe, yell, ask why? He’s my friend now, and I needed to talk to someone.

Ume is usually gone on the weekend, I like to pretend he’s off on quests. Like this weekend, he’s looking for Madame de Pompadour’s hair combs! The Jade ones imported from China. My lovers not being around gave me time to pontificate.

I shouldn’t ever be allowed to do that.

I feel left out. I’m not a submissive, and I’m not a Dominant. I’m both. This makes me not fit in anywhere. I can’t hang with Doms, they can’t understand how I can “lower” myself. Ume is the only one who treats me as an equal when it’s applicable. He understandsI’m his and Babykat is mine. That’s why I love him, er well I’m starting to.
And well, the subs don’t have that sisterhood vibe with me. A few are quite uppity and are quite rude to me. They never see me as one of them,i’m NOT one of them. My seven years in BDSM I’ve had 4 meaningful relationships. Never as an “out” switch. Those partners knew me as one or the other. Two actively squelched the “side” they didn’t like. Like the way my mother used to tell me never to tell people I didn’t know where my dad was. It only reinforced I was broken.

My Ume and Babykat are the only ones besides Jak to not look at me and see beautiful pieces but, a pretty whole. I had an epiphany, once I suss it out in my Tantrum Report I’ll talk more about it.
More tomorrow.

Ume…

I felt it even then, talking to him about of all things The Guild. It segued in to Doctor Who. It didn’t stop there. Let’s be clear I didn’t intend on this happening. I am however forever grateful it did.

Ume is extraordinary. He cares about me, I love that most about him. I actually love that we haven’t had sex. Still he has me enthralled. Most likely he could never have sex with me and I’d still follow him around.

The things he says are breathtaking. He said one thing that really got me. I mean it GOT me. For a second just one tiny second I actually thought he was just saying it. To make me feel better kind of thing. Then I felt this warmth coming from him. His energy caressing my skin.

“ I want to know you. Even if you decided that I no longer thrill you. I still want you in My life. I find you that interesting, sensual, and you bring a thrill to My life I’ve been missing. If you weren’t in that chair you would break Me.”

Standing in the rain he offered me his coat in that instant, I knew he meant it. I felt better. All the years of wondering are now ended and Ume, Babykat, and Jak have been the restorers of my self worth and the source of my happiness.

Yay…

I’m now sleeping on him until he tells me to get off. I dream of licking his…heart. He can talk to me about Pritkin and Jak. He’s helped me to further understand the nature of my heart and the way I love. He doesn’t make me feel bad for loving with my whole heart.

Instead he prizes it.

I believe Ume prizes me.

I also have not forgotten Pritkin but, I must…breathe without him.
Yes, I love Pritkin still, that will never go away. I think Ume understands that once you REALLY love someone it never quite dies. Even if you want to swallow.

But, you can learn to love again.

I’ll begin by saying some cliches. “The heart wants what it wants” I want two things. An interesting life filled with many passionate moments and tales. Some lovers to share my life with. Pritkin is that to me. His energy feels like home to me. He feels like home.
Pritkin,My on again off again ex of 6 years, actually closer to 7 years in truth.Who just this last year told me He’s been married MOST of that time. I start talking again to him again online. He belongs to new girl, but wants me as well.

He does not wish to tell her about me. I have made peace with this.
He is mine.

Even if it takes me 6 more years I know we will find our place. I am sure. I just must be patient. I will be his pet. I will display his marks. I finally know this for sure. Pritkin has left and i was sad. Pritkin gets girls, I feel lesser.
I beg him to make me special some how different from them. I’ve learned what makes me different, how I love him.

I love Jak, but his love in a different quality. I love Babykat but, its miles different. My love is always different. Pritkin is my first love. Nothing changes that, nothing will erode that.

Truly.

I love Babykat the way I have always yearned to love a woman. It is both pure and filthy. She is my masochist. She is my best friend. Babykat, as my girlfriend wants what’s best for me. I want what’s best for me. Pritkin does too.

Now, I know.

More later as I discuss something with Pritkin. Keep your eyes peeled.

I know..I’m bad.

Multiple collars have never bothered me, its the way some people pass out their ownership like it was candy. I love everyone I consider mine.Perhaps, deeper than I should. My ownership is not candy. My ownership is warmth and knowing you always have a home. My ownership is knowing I’m going to hurt you and rip you apart and put you back together.

Jak has been handling my email and He posted the last entry. He really is a good PA. I think he should do it full time. He’s been handling my moments of Divaness and the panic of having Catastrophe call him at work with news of my seizures. Jak is a good man. So, I can’t really be mad that an email he thought would do good only caused damage..it’s not his fault. [I pay her to say this...]

He’s doing his best to show the potentials for Beta in my life that they do matter and they do deserve to be kept in the loop. Either way, my friends matter.

Right now, I’m putting a pin in Nightwing. He’ll come back around when he’s ready. It’s how we flow. It is the nature of us. I’m confident a connection like ours isn’t easily thrown aside.
I need to do what’s best for me.
It’s getting back into porn, however possible and focusing on the writing and working my ass off to plan a killer party with Catastrophe! It’s also figuring out what you want more of [Comments would be helpful!]

I’m trying my best to stay focused on my pursuits. Remembering deadlines is hardest. Even if they are self imposed. I have more photos to edit and post on this and other blogs. I’m terribly lazy and will most likely ask for help on this.
I’m doing a lot of writing lately what with NaNoWriMo, let’s be writing buddies and see just how far we can get…
I’ll be doing dares in the form of….you guessed porn!
Any one of my readers can issue a “Dare” if I don’t make you word count by your date (it MUST be reasonable! no 50,00 by tomorrow) You get to “make” me take porn-y pictures I must then post to this blog.
Leave your dares here, as comments!!

Best advice I ever got. Which is why I do what I do.

I miss The Comedian. While I understand he might be busy and not ready for my zany over the top style of loving little kittyslutness…I do want him to know he is never far from my mind.

I wanted to say, my whole way of life, this blog, is about loving more than one person. It’s about the things most people are afraid of loving two (or more) people at the same time. Just because you are capable of this doesn’t mean you love either person less. Although you might love them differently.

I expect my Beta Partner not to be single. Simply because I can’t give them the curtsey of being single myself. I don’t pretend to. I do know whoever finally settles with me will be well loved and kissed as much as possible.

Whenever possible…

My birthday is coming up. Six days and I’ll be 25 years old. To celebrate I am running an expanding auction. It’s starting with a white cotton thong and a phone sex call. More will be added IF the price gets higher.
St. Kittyslut Birthday Package!You’re getting the gifts, it seems.
The month of October is my “party” month. Callers past have dubbed it “Lotober” So, we celebrate with auctions, and a first! A book release party for Nepenthe #1! That’s on the 14th! A release party at Trash Bar! I’m moving up in the world. Trash Bar even makes an appearance in Nepenthe #1!

But yes, the 14th!

6 bucks to get in, open bar from 8pm to 9pm. 9pm, Electric People go on. EP being the new band that My lovely Catastrophe plays bass in. At 10, KrashKarma go on. They’re a sort of alt/ hard-rock band from LA. 11pm, Slowburn go on. Slowburn are a blues-rock band from Philly.

That’s the biggest thing to happen to me yet! I’m eager for the future. New love, or loves. New opportunities, more words, and delicious lusts.