We move now, to the sex part.
It starts with I’m in love, and THAT’s a fucking huge problem. My emotional state can not support this especially since he is…not in a position to even console me, let alone love me.

Truth be told, I love Jak, Ivi, Him, the bff, I’m lost. It seems each chamber of my heart is taken. I need the support, I have needs like other girls. I have never loved but once this way. Death has made me a normal girl needing men. NEEDING love and needing to be protected. I have never been this. My role is to be the unattachable fuck the protector of the weak.

Death has made me reach out for hands.

Wrapped in safety. Their safety. They who now share the chambers of my heart. It is strange. I’m capable of this kind of love.
Richard Hell said love comes in spurts. Well, mine, comes in sets. Mine makes me a slut, to some. A goddess of carnality to others.
Do not punish the wicked.

(Him and the bff alias have been changed for the foreseeable future, sorry delicateness demands this.)

I must update the cast page.

I view sex as art. This site is my gallery. Coarse? Maybe.

Three years ago or maybe more I belonged to The Doctor. I mean belong in the sense, I was his bitch. I loved him, I’m never sure if he loved me. Not that it doesn’t matter, it does. There’s hundreds of other “my Master loves me, and only me blogs” This is not one of those.

The Doctor is a bit of a Bastard. That’s why I love our relationship, like Lux & Jack (my fictional characters) he reminds me we will never be sweethearts. Though he has his moments of being my Boyfriend. Some years ago, I moved then he moved.
We exchanged a few hellos or goodbyes or he’d tell me I whine too much. A few weeks back he made me feel miserable. I had gone to Baltimore on college business, I have impossible money problems so I was staying with a friend of mine…

All was cool.

He however was not. My third night there, he got grabby. Which turned into rape. I got out of there as fast as I could. I spent the night in a Starbucks trying to figure out if my medicaid could work here. Going to the bathroom hoping the bleeding is a tear (it was, but since I gave birth in May I was scared, my former friend had ruined me for future use. ) I debate calling Trevor to come take me to his home. I decided against, he has too much to do. Then remember, Trevor is out of town.
Instead, I try to reach out to The Doctor, but I find myself too ashamed. I hint, and hint badly. The Doctor is cold and offers me no comfort.

I ponder if he ever cared.

A few weeks go by, and I’m sulking over coffee with I notice The Doctor. I slink over unsure of myself. He says I look like I could use a drink, to which I ruefully agree. We make small talk, and somehow I end up saying:
“Pain sluttery works for me.”
I sigh feeling him pull me away. mentally that link is still there. He whispers “I have a scalpel.” A thrill shoots through my cunt. I’m left biting my lip.
He growls a sexy threat of “I could just slit your wrists, watch you bleed out. I’m delightfully twisted like that.” He voice is crawling over my skin.
I can barely mange to speak. “I know you won’t.” I gasp trying to clear my own cloying thoughts. I whisper “But, I’d let you.”
I try to back up. To stop my aching pussy, but I fail at making small talk. However the reason and the revelation of this whole beta partner search and I say “My looking for a Dom is fruitless because I need them to be viscous…then pet me later…not just pet me.”

He presses closer to me “I could do so much more.” I feel his scalpel press into my flesh. My panties would be wet if I were wearing any. I can feel his hard on, and the blade I don’t know which thrills me more. At this point, I’m just along for the ride, my submissive side is out.

He nicks my mouth with his blade squeezing my lips with his fingers before kissing me. I press into him begging with my body.
I remember suddenly, at some point he asked me what I was looking for. It spills out of my lips.

“My over all fantasy is…to be owned so completely that my Master could ask for my life and i would let him hurt me until there was no more….but ideally he wouldn’t kill me because i would be such a good painslut…he would just…use me…but his favorite thing to do? cut his name into me…and when he was finished he’d cum on it..”

He laughs, taking the blade to my breasts.
“I’d never carve my name, but maybe something else.” He is smirking. I feel the blade bite into me. He is carving letters while my pussy floods. All over the back of my skirt. He is carving a “S-L-U-T” into my tender flesh. I have had a pure pain orgasm. Those are my favorite.
Suddenly I feel The Doctor against my pussy. My mind is racing, my pussy doesn’t even fight, it’s too slick as he’s already fucking me.

And that is how The Doctor and I made up.

Now, this is most likely “erotica” I however am keeping it as a sex file. That night, I climbed into bed after kissing my daughter goodnight. I dreamt of Trevor, I dreamt he watched the whole thing and spanked me for not giving anal.

I’m a bad kittyslut.

Which leaves me. Dealing. Trevor of course is understandably “I’m bad for you” and will believe this. Maybe, but right now I need him in my life. Honestly, I’d miss him more as my friend. He is however the second best person at getting me right into fuckslut mode. Trevor can make me his puppet. I would do whatever he asked. Not out of undying love, but sheer need. (The Doctor is the same way.) I COULD love either of these men but, I’m not presently in love with them. But, were either to offer me a collar and some kitty ears all I could do is mew.
Now, I know both men would do this. Along with the double anal penetration fantasy I have. Both would use my ass at the same time and have no issue with the fact that I am just their kittyslut.

However, two men in my life are demanding to know their place. To have me as their girlfriend. I’m not wanting this. Love is great. But, I have that…I love myself Better than you.

I’m happier in a Trevor/Doctor sandwich. Can’t I just focus on fucking right now?

Because, deep down I am a sexual being before all else. Well perhaps writer comes first. Considering I do a fair amount of writing about fucking.

I can’t even talk about Pritkin. Maybe tomorrow after work.

The question I have is much: Can you love, deeply. Yet never fuck. If you can, is it possible to fuck and not love?
Or even like?
Is there someone you don’t like until their naked? I feel like I’m that girl, for a few people, I’ve had in my life.
Right now, while I’m looking for a long term kink Partner, I’m having a hell of good time playing.

The Virus is my love.

I enjoy the infection. I love The Doctor. He’s making the fever worse. He knows every little inch of me. He remembers things from when we first met. It’d be heart warming if he didn’t push. I love being pushed. Little did I know, the test of my submission would give Jak a rise. Yes, Jak could fuck me because The Doctor wanted to watch it on video.
All I could think about was the scalpel that I wanted pressed into my skin.
…
At a friend’s insistence I explored phone sex with Mr. H. It wasn’t Mr. H. He however is getting some fiercely good orgasms. My pussy is tight and wet, just thinking about Him. I want to fuck other women with Him to taste another woman’s cunt as I lick His shaft. Hopefully we’ll be able to arrange another playdate soon.