But, when I feel alone, my second stepdad’s words creep in and i start to feel the same fear he’d place in me. I start to feel fourteen again unsure of myself and wanting validation. I used to pray.

“Oh, wise and mighty Bast, make these things NOT true. Give me to will to go on and make them eat every unkind thing they’ve ever said.” and she did.

I printed out the nicest comments from my Blog’s guest book. I kept them by my bed. Until Stepdad2 found them and burned them as a “pack of lies”
I printed them out again, this time, i carried them in my bag in the secret back zipper pocket.

It feels good to have reminders. Today, I am better and stronger and mostly over it.

Ume has been a constant wellspring of support. I don’t doubt him, I take everything he says as truth. After all he really has no reason to lie to me. Really.
He loves my nerdity and my geekgasm and girly wood moments as much as he loves my screaming in orgasm moments. As I’ve said with him I’m a pretty whole.

I accept that. Even if that little stepdad2 voice kicks in.

A submissive, (me or you) can not truly be a good submissive unless they give themselves totally. This means two things (to me) examining why you want to be this person submissive in the first place. And accepting who you are, and be willing to ask your Master’s help and support in self improvement. Remember you have to want to improve for you, not your Owner.

So. If you’re thinking of paring up you should really be able to answer these questions. Feel free to use mine as guidepost not a guideline!

1. Why do I want to belong to Ume?
Simply put, He’s Ume. My Ume now that I’ve met him, i can’t imagine my life without him. I want to be his because he is kind and generous. He’s VERY Patient with me and always speaks in a loving tone. Even if i’ve made him mad or sad. I want to give him my rarest love, the thing which is growing inside my heart. I want to try to my very best not from a spiteful place anymore but, to make him proud of me. He sees me as Lola first. He respects me as a Dominant and sees me as a partner, who happens to be submissive to him.
I know he’ll nurture me. He won’t deprive me of anything, he likes me as I am. I like him as him. Plus he encourages the geekgasms in me.

I don’t have to hide anything, ever. That is why I wish to belong to Ume.

2. Things I accept about me.
I am a great and rare beast. I have a loving heart and a wicked mind. I’m a big breasted geek girl capable of some pretty big Codex (The Guild) moments, but I want help in being better at managing them. They are usually groundless fears because I’m getting to a place where I’m giving my heart, that’s scary. (I bet deep down, Ume’s scared just a bit.)
I have acknowledged it’s past trauma but its PAST. I am letting it go. Ume has done Nothing but support my tantrum-y little ass. I love him for that.

Ume…

I felt it even then, talking to him about of all things The Guild. It segued in to Doctor Who. It didn’t stop there. Let’s be clear I didn’t intend on this happening. I am however forever grateful it did.

Ume is extraordinary. He cares about me, I love that most about him. I actually love that we haven’t had sex. Still he has me enthralled. Most likely he could never have sex with me and I’d still follow him around.

The things he says are breathtaking. He said one thing that really got me. I mean it GOT me. For a second just one tiny second I actually thought he was just saying it. To make me feel better kind of thing. Then I felt this warmth coming from him. His energy caressing my skin.

“ I want to know you. Even if you decided that I no longer thrill you. I still want you in My life. I find you that interesting, sensual, and you bring a thrill to My life I’ve been missing. If you weren’t in that chair you would break Me.”

Standing in the rain he offered me his coat in that instant, I knew he meant it. I felt better. All the years of wondering are now ended and Ume, Babykat, and Jak have been the restorers of my self worth and the source of my happiness.

Yay…

I’m now sleeping on him until he tells me to get off. I dream of licking his…heart. He can talk to me about Pritkin and Jak. He’s helped me to further understand the nature of my heart and the way I love. He doesn’t make me feel bad for loving with my whole heart.

Instead he prizes it.

I believe Ume prizes me.

I also have not forgotten Pritkin but, I must…breathe without him.
Yes, I love Pritkin still, that will never go away. I think Ume understands that once you REALLY love someone it never quite dies. Even if you want to swallow.

But, you can learn to love again.

I miss The Comedian but, I won’t ever tell him that. It hurts too much. Lives get in the way and little one gets forgotten for now. I’m okay, I really understand love is love.

Now, on to the the make my legs weak part. Nightwing makes me feel intoxicated. The way we play off each other is extraordinary. Even just thinking about him makes me wet. I played with him last night and I couldn’t help myself. I had to make him gasp in pain for me. I had to tug at him, make him ache.

For me and me alone.

Jak is mine and Nightwing is mine I’m entitled to these things. My version of the Orange Lantern oath. Just call me Agent Kittyslut.

I’m good at what I do, If you haven’t tried me. You are missing out. For me phone sex is my dream job. I enjoy “leasing” submissives.

But, it so bad I actually want Nightwing, like long term ownership?

Mine.

Of course I’ll share but, I want to be selfish and have “dibs” I kind of hate feeling that way but, I do. He appeals to me and the extra dirty but good part? We could make our relationship kind of profitable. We’ve discussed doing a podcast and couples calls on Niteflirt. But, I must not get too far a head. I should wait and see if we can actually “get together”

Although, it’d be fun.

To play like we did last night, for other people and make some money while doing it? Bonus! I’d trust him to actually hypnotize me even. He’s peeling away my layers, getting close but, I’m not scared…

Best advice I ever got. Which is why I do what I do.

I miss The Comedian. While I understand he might be busy and not ready for my zany over the top style of loving little kittyslutness…I do want him to know he is never far from my mind.

I wanted to say, my whole way of life, this blog, is about loving more than one person. It’s about the things most people are afraid of loving two (or more) people at the same time. Just because you are capable of this doesn’t mean you love either person less. Although you might love them differently.

I expect my Beta Partner not to be single. Simply because I can’t give them the curtsey of being single myself. I don’t pretend to. I do know whoever finally settles with me will be well loved and kissed as much as possible.

Whenever possible…

My birthday is coming up. Six days and I’ll be 25 years old. To celebrate I am running an expanding auction. It’s starting with a white cotton thong and a phone sex call. More will be added IF the price gets higher.
St. Kittyslut Birthday Package!You’re getting the gifts, it seems.
The month of October is my “party” month. Callers past have dubbed it “Lotober” So, we celebrate with auctions, and a first! A book release party for Nepenthe #1! That’s on the 14th! A release party at Trash Bar! I’m moving up in the world. Trash Bar even makes an appearance in Nepenthe #1!

But yes, the 14th!

6 bucks to get in, open bar from 8pm to 9pm. 9pm, Electric People go on. EP being the new band that My lovely Catastrophe plays bass in. At 10, KrashKarma go on. They’re a sort of alt/ hard-rock band from LA. 11pm, Slowburn go on. Slowburn are a blues-rock band from Philly.

That’s the biggest thing to happen to me yet! I’m eager for the future. New love, or loves. New opportunities, more words, and delicious lusts.

Which leaves me. Dealing. Trevor of course is understandably “I’m bad for you” and will believe this. Maybe, but right now I need him in my life. Honestly, I’d miss him more as my friend. He is however the second best person at getting me right into fuckslut mode. Trevor can make me his puppet. I would do whatever he asked. Not out of undying love, but sheer need. (The Doctor is the same way.) I COULD love either of these men but, I’m not presently in love with them. But, were either to offer me a collar and some kitty ears all I could do is mew.
Now, I know both men would do this. Along with the double anal penetration fantasy I have. Both would use my ass at the same time and have no issue with the fact that I am just their kittyslut.

However, two men in my life are demanding to know their place. To have me as their girlfriend. I’m not wanting this. Love is great. But, I have that…I love myself Better than you.

I’m happier in a Trevor/Doctor sandwich. Can’t I just focus on fucking right now?

Because, deep down I am a sexual being before all else. Well perhaps writer comes first. Considering I do a fair amount of writing about fucking.

I can’t even talk about Pritkin. Maybe tomorrow after work.

The question I have is much: Can you love, deeply. Yet never fuck. If you can, is it possible to fuck and not love?
Or even like?
Is there someone you don’t like until their naked? I feel like I’m that girl, for a few people, I’ve had in my life.
Right now, while I’m looking for a long term kink Partner, I’m having a hell of good time playing.

The Virus is my love.

I enjoy the infection. I love The Doctor. He’s making the fever worse. He knows every little inch of me. He remembers things from when we first met. It’d be heart warming if he didn’t push. I love being pushed. Little did I know, the test of my submission would give Jak a rise. Yes, Jak could fuck me because The Doctor wanted to watch it on video.
All I could think about was the scalpel that I wanted pressed into my skin.
…
At a friend’s insistence I explored phone sex with Mr. H. It wasn’t Mr. H. He however is getting some fiercely good orgasms. My pussy is tight and wet, just thinking about Him. I want to fuck other women with Him to taste another woman’s cunt as I lick His shaft. Hopefully we’ll be able to arrange another playdate soon.

I have manged time with Datenchi. However we usually end up analyzing me. I sometimes wonder if he enjoys the endless questions and the barely whispered answers. It is a kind of slow sensual torture. Instead of making me bare my flesh he’s making me bare my soul.
It’s erotic. Yet, not sexual.

Mr. H is the same way, I’ve told him things I thought I would never tell anyone. He’s different. He makes me do it with a smile. He lets me lay nude in his bed, yet hardly touches me. It’s maddening, in that good way. He’s on vacation and I don’t think I’ll make it unscathed until He returns. My heart and finger have been broken in His absence.
Although tomorrow promises to be a better day. An old Friend wishes to get reacquainted. I am not unexcited about this at all.